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Court Room Funnies


From a little book called "Disorder in the Court."


They're things people actually said in court, word for word.


Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15th.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.



Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.



Q: How old is your son -- the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years



Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.



Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.



Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.



Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and bluelights flashing?

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yessir.

Q: What did she say?

A: "What disco am I at?"



Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?



Q: Mr. Smith, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

A: I went to Europe, sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?



Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male or a female?



Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.



Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.



Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.



Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.



Q: You were not shot in the fracas?

A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.



Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.




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