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Doggy Dictionary (My Rendition)
The original author is ~ Unknown ~, but I've added quite a bit to the original definitions and quite a few of my own words as well.... hope you enjoy them!!!
ANTS: The pesty little insects that come in armies to hoard your doggy bowl. (See "DOGGY BOWL") Don't try to bite them though because they'll just stick to your nose and bite you!BALL: That round object that your people keep expecting you to retrieve for them. It's fun at first, but after 3 or 4 times it starts getting boring.
BARK: The way we dogs talk to each other and try to warn our persons that strangers are lurking near by or to warn strangers that you'll bite if they get any closer. If you've been trained as a guard dog, hearing other dogs bark places you in canine mode.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently. To dry yourself after/during a bath, use the sofa. (See "SOFA")
BABIES: The toddlers who pull your ears, your tail and your hair trying to stand up, but don't worry, because they always spill something for you to lick up which shows they love you. (See "LOVE")
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines (easier to catch than cars) invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, barking loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away. You need to perform this exercise at least 3 times a day for maximum results.
BIRDS: The things that dumb cats (See "CAT") always try and catch but never seem to succeed. Never could understand why though because cats can only fly downward, not up... guess that's why they're dumb.
BIRTHDAYS: The days we both regret and enjoy. At 0 years of age, we sort of get neglected for a while and the person's new born baby get's all the attention regardless of how much we love or try to sniff the baby. (See "LOVE" and "SNIFF") Once that baby reaches age 6, they invite all their friends over to watch you eat their cake in front of them. It's also fun to watch the looks on their friends face when you jump up in their lap and start licking their ice cream! If your person's friends also love dogs, the whole shibang is finger licking good! (See "LOVE")
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea or ignoring you for some other reason.
CAR: The 4-wheeled machine that collects all kinds of dog piss on the tires and takes your family away from you every now and then and usually brings them back. It sometimes carries strangers in it as well. If riding inside, sticking you head out the window catching a gush of wind is a real high. The further you get your body out the door, the more exciting it gets. Don't worry about falling, you can't fly, but your person knows that too and thus won't let you go too far, so go for it! If you ever catch one, let me know what you did with it, I still can't figure out what to do with mine!!! The hood is a nice place to look for cats (See "CAT") right after your person returns home!
CAT: The animal wich is the most fun to chase, but be careful if you ever catch one... Most of those street cats have claws. Many persons de-claw the domesticated ones for our teasing pleasure, but the only way to tell for sure is to let one of them hit you in the nose... If you don't bleed or it doesn't hurt, then they're your's... GO GET 'EM!!!
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down. This symptom also occurs right after your person catches you on the sofa with muddy feet. (See "SOFAS")
DIP: That horrible smelling process your person's have others do to you from time to time. They leave you at the beauty shop and you wonder if they've left you for good or not. Then you hear all the other animals crying in the background and you feel like thunder (See "THUNDER") is about to strike, but you just can't escape. Then they dip you in this awful smelling pool of eccch up to your neck which is really awful because all the fleas and tics crawl up to your head and in your ears. You try to scratch them off, but those awful people just hold you down so that you can't move. Then the cut your hair into a wierd style and trim your nails which makes digging a lot more difficult. Just thinking about the ordeal makes me shudder all over... I never want to go there again!
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room. Best used with muddy feet. Gives it that homey touch!
DOG CATCHER: That fat guy carrying that funny net on a long handle that you MUST always play dodge with or risk loosing all of your freedom and possibly your life!
DOG HOUSE: The place you must share with your person when they do something awful! If your person really loves you, they'll furnish it with a dog bed. (See "LOVE" and "DOG BED")
DOGGY BOWL: The one thing you never share with anybody. Anybody or anything which tries to eat out of your bowl gets bit, except those pesty little ants! (See "ANTS")
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly, you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
DRYER: That awful vertical merry-go-round that your 6-year old person likes to watch you tumble around in... Why do they treat us like hamsters? But I can get used to it in the winter... best experienced when full of towels and sheets.
FART: A human's way of telling you that you don't smell that bad. Beware of them when sniffing people. (See "SNIFF")
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right, you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require ... especially effective when combined with the sniff. (See "SNIFF")
LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intese affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you are lucky, a human will love you in return. Receiving food (not just scraps) from their plate is a sure way to tell they love you. (See "SCRAPS")
MOUSE: A cat's version of a cat. (See "CAT") But beware... All mice have claws, but they're only interested in cheese, so you're doggy bowl is safe!!! (See "DOGGY BOWL")
SCRAPS: The items which everybody leaves on their plate and ends up in your doggy bowl. (See "DOGGY BOWL") Never could figure out why they left such good stuff on their plate... maybe it's because they love me, (See "LOVE") but I wish they would leave a little bit more meat on the fat and bones!
SNIFF: A social custom to use when greeting other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear and inhale deeply. Repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating, it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean. They are also known to soak up water very good immediately after you high-tail it out of the bathroom during a bath. (See "BATH")
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollalby, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
VACCUUM CLEANER: Dangerous: WARNING!!! That awful machine that trys to suck all the air out of your nose when you try and sniff it. (See "SNIFF") Does wonders when you have a cold though, just make sure a person is nearby when you do it to help you get it off of your nose.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home. It doesn't have the good stuff like bones and bread though. (See "GARBAGE CAN") This type of play can cause temporary deafness immediately after your person returns home. (See "DEAFNESS")
The Original Rendition as I received it included: Bath, Bicycles, Bump, Deafness, Dog Bed, Drool, Garbage Can, Goose Bump, Lean, Leash, Love, Sniff, Sofas, Thunder & Wastebasket but I've made a quite a few additions to the original definitions.Words I added myself include: Ants, Ball, Bark, Babies, Birds, Birthdays, Car, Cat, Dip, Dog Catcher, Dog House, Doggy Bowl, Dryer, Fart & Vaccuum Cleaner.)
Guess you can tell I own a dog and a maybe even a sense of humor!!!
~ walter benton ~