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The IRS Medley... part I
"An IRS Audit"A man, called in for an audit at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
"Her Occupation"A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman excitedly states, "I'm a chicken farmer!"
The accountant is puzzled, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
The IRS Medley... part IIAlmost everyone has seen the first tax form in today's mailing.
But how many have seen the others? Just in time for tax season...
What will they think of next?New IRS Forms and Taxes:
"1040 P Standard Penis Tax Form"
The only thing the IRS has not taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that:
40% of the time, it's hanging around unemployed,
30% of the time, it's p*ssed off,
20% of the time, it's hard up,
10% of the time, it is in the hole.On top of all this, it has three dependents, two of whom are nuts, and one is an a**hole.
Accordingly, starting January 1, 1997, all penises will be taxed according to size.
To determine the category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information of Page 2, Section 7, Line 3, of the standard 1040P form.
10 to 12 Inches* Luxury Tax $50.00
8 to 10 inches Pole Tax $30.00
6 to 8 inches Privilege Tax $15.00
4 to 6 inches Nuisance Tax $ 5.00PLEASE NOTE: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT REQUEST AN EXTENSION!!!
* Males exceeding 12 inches must file Capital Gains.
Sincerely,
Pecker Checker,
Internal Revenue Service
"1040 B Standard Breasts Tax Form"
Since the IRS has decided to tax men's penises, it has come to believe that women shouldn't be left out. So they have decided that a Breast Tax is in order.
Please refer to the chart below for your tax computation:
AA cup Flat rate $ 5.00
A cup Slight rise $10.00
B cup Normal rate $15.00
C cup Over abundant rate $20.00
D cup* "Are they real?" rate $40.00
PLEASE NOTE: Anyone under AA cup is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT REQUEST AN ENLARGEMENT!!!* Females exceeding D cup should consult their tax advisor for the KNOCK YOUR EYES OUT Capital Gains tax.
Boobs Checker,
Internal Revenue Service
"New W-2 Form"Have all of you received your new Customer Friendly and Simple As Pie W-2?
Form W-2-CFSAP
1. Name: _____________________________________
2. Social Security Number: _______________________
3. How Much Did You Make In 1997: ______________
SEND IT IN!
Signature_____________________________________
Date_________________________________________