There Oughta Be A Law
By Richard Johnson
It seems that we have laws for everything but the stuff that can really get on our nerves. For instance, "there oughta be a law" to protect citizens from the airline passenger who maintains his seat in a fully reclined position while an in-flight meal is being served. So I propose that we start passing some much-needed legislation to crack down on the following offenses:
Resisting A Rest: Repeatedly disrupting an entire row of patrons at a theater or sports event by heading for refreshments, frequent rest-room visits, and leg-stretching.
Euphonious Assault: Playing the car radio at ear-splitting volume so the next driver is blasted into the back seat.
Lane Sharking: Parking over two spaces in a crowded lot so that the adjacent space is rendered useless.
Coffee-right Infringement: Hurry-up restaurant employees who are too quick to bring your bill at the end of a meal.
Violation Of Individual Swivel Rights: Rotating a circular merchandise rack while another shopper is browsing on the other side.
Breaking And Exiting: Slipping away after dropping a bottle of pancake syrup while in an empty grocery-store aisle.
Sorry I Missed Him'meanor: Intentionally returning unwanted phone calls when you know the party who called will be out.
Kidyapping: Failure to get off the subject of your children.
Poly-gamey: Attempting to watch two televised football games and a tennis tournament simultaneously on a Sunday afternoon by means of rapid-fire, remote-control channel surfing.
Labor Fraud: Politicians who roll up their sleeves only when posing for campaign photographs.