Lawyer Humor 3
A doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer go out hunting in the woods one day. Each of them brings along his hunting dog, and they spend most of the morning arguing about which of the dogs is the smartest. Early in the afternoon, they discover a clearing in the forest. In the middle of the clearing is a large pile of animal bones. Seeing the bones, the doctor turns to the others and says, "I'm going to prove to you two that my dog is the smartest. Watch this!" He then calls his dog over and says, "Bones! See the bones? Go get 'em!" The dog rushes over to the pile, rummages around for a bit, and then proceeds to build a replica of the human skeleton, perfect down to the last detail. The doctor grins smugly; after all, his dog has just built a *human* skeleton from *animal* bones. The engineer, however, is totally unimpressed. "That's nothing," he says. "Watch this." He calls his dog over, and points out the pile. "Bones! Get the bones!" The dog rushes over, tears down the skeleton, and in its place builds a perfect replica of the Eiffel Tower. It even has a little French flag waving at the top. The doctor is forced to agree that the engineer's dog is, in fact, smarter than his own. The lawyer, however, is still not impressed. "My dog is smarter," he says. "Watch." He then calls his dog over, points to the pile, and says simply "Bones." The dog rushes over to the pile, tears down the tower, eats half the bones, buries the other half, screws the other two dogs getting a hernia in the process and sues them each for $100,000, he then takes the rest of the afternoon off.
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Spenser there?" asked the client on the phone. "I'm very sorry, but Mr. Spenser passed away last night," the receptionist answered. "Can anyone else help you?" The man said no and hung up. Ten minutes later, he called again and asked for Mr. Spenser, his ex-wife's lawyer. The receptionist said, "You just called a few minutes ago, didn't you? Mr. Spenser has died. I'm not making this up." The man again hung up. Fifteen minutes later, he called a third time and asked for Mr. Spenser. The receptionist was irked by this time. "I've told you twice already, Mr. Spenser is dead. He is not here! Why do you keep asking for him when I say he's dead? Don't you understand what I'm saying?" The man replied, "I understand you perfectly. I just like hearing you say it over and over."
Two lawyers made a date to have lunch together. The first person showed up on time, but the second person didn't show until 1-1/2 hours after they were supposed to meet...
1st lawyer: "How come you're so late?"
2nd lawyer: "Oh, I ran over a milk bottle and got a flat tire.."
1st lawyer: "A milk bottle? Didn't you see it in the road?"
2nd lawyer: "No, the kid had it under his coat..."
Washington State Attorney Season And Bag Limits
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder - 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor - 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator - 4
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) - 3
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut - 2
6. Honest Attorney - EXTINCT
7. Cut-throat - 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner - 2
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser - 2
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender - $100 BOUNTY
11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian - 7
Ben Dover And C. Howlett Fields
Attorneys At Law
Legal business card:
Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe Attorneys at Law
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator, it would be a good idea to just leave them there.
There was a young man shipwrecked on an island. He found a magic lamp on the shore one day, picked it up and rubbed it. A Genie appeared. However, he was not a typical Genie, he was an attorney Genie. When the Genie told the man he was also an attorney, the man laughed and said, "Oh come on, Genies can't be attorneys too!" The Genie said he would prove it. He told the man to make his three wishes, but on one condition, for every wish he made, all attorneys were granted double of what the man wished for. The man pondered the offer and decided that something was better than nothing and decided his three wishes. "My first wish is for 1 million dollars." The Genie reminded the man that he would grant the wish, but all attorneys would get double that amount. The man agreed and then made his second wish. "My second wish is for a beautiful blonde with blue eyes." Once again, the Genie granted the wish and also granted all attorneys with two of the blonde eyed babes. The Genie announced that the man had one more wish and to consider his choice carefully. The man thought for a moment. Suddenly, he drew the Genie's attention to a piece of driftwood lying on the beach. He told the Genie: "For my next wish, please pick up that piece of driftwood and beat me *half* to death!!!"
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?" to which lawyer number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."
I'm going to sponsor a convention to honor honest lawyers as soon as I can find a phone booth small enough to hold it in.
A lawyer was trying to console a weeping widow. Her husband had passed away without a will. "Did the deceased have any last words?" asked the lawyer. "You mean *right* before he died?" sobbed the widow. "Yes," replied the lawyer. "They might be helpful if it's not too painful for you to recall." "Well," she began, "he said 'Don't try to scare me! You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with that gun.'"
A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other. The rabbit says, "You feel me first." The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit. He says, "Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet..." The rabbit says, "I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!" Then the rabbit feels the snake. He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, and slimy all over, and there's a little forked tongue..." The snake says, "Damn, I'm a lawyer."
A man goes goes to lawyer for help...
Man: What is your least expensive fee?
Lawyer: $50 for three questions.
Man: That's pretty expensive, isn't it?
Lawyer: Yes. So what's your third question?
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second one said, "I think librarians are easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third one said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable."
The scene is heaven, with three men standing at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter says to the first man, "Let's see, you're Mr. Jones, the engineer. We've been expecting you. Please follow me." Saint Peter leads him down a hall to a door marked #101. "This is where you'll be staying Mr. Jones," says Saint Peter as he opens the door. Inside is a dark, dank, cold, musty room. Water is dripping from the rock-like walls where torture equipment is hanging. Chained to the center of the floor is a growling, fierce-looking dog. Mr. Jones steps in and a loud voice cries out from above, "Mr.Jones! You have sinned!" Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the remaining two men waiting at the entrance gate. "And you are Mr. Smith, the doctor," Saint Peters addresses the second man. "You are in room 102. Please follow me." Once again when the door is opened this room is dark and dank, water dripping down the walls with horrible torture equipment hanging everywhere, and a growling, snarling dog chained to the center of the floor. As Mr. Smith steps in, a voice from above cries, "Mr. Smith! You have sinned!" Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the last man waiting at the entrance gate. "And you must be Mr. Brown, the lawyer. We have been waiting for you. You are in room number 103. Please follow me." When they get to room #103, Saint Peter opens the door to reveal another dark, musty, gloomy room with torture equipment hanging from the water dripping walls. But in the center of the room stands Bo Derek. As the lawyer steps in the room the voice cries out, "Bo Derek! You have sinned!"
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven, where he is brought before God. "A lawyer, eh?" says God (who seems to be Canadian). "We've never had a lawyer in Heaven before. Argue a point of the law for my edification." The lawyer goes into panic and says, "Oh, God, I cannot think of an argument worthy of your notice. But I'll tell you what...you argue a point of the law and I'll refute you."
A lawyer died. Having not lived an all-that-honest life he found himself at the gates of Hell. "Welcome to Hell" announced the Devil greeting him warmly. "Glad you could join us. As your last taste of free will, you are allowed to choose which of three possible places that you will spend the rest of eternity." There were three doors behind the Devil. He opened the first door. Flames shot into the room and the lawyer could see thousands of people amidst the fire. "No" said the lawyer. "Not this one." The Devil opened the second door. The lawyer could see thousands of people slaving away at a large rock-pile. They were all being whipped as they hammered the large boulders into smaller boulders. "No" again said the lawyer. Finally, the devil opened up that last door which showed thousands of people in an incredibly large lake with vomit up to their chins. All of them were chanting 'Don't make waves, don't make waves...' "That's awful!!" commented the lawyer in repulsion. "You think that's bad?" asked the devil, "hell...you should see it when the angels spend the weekend here with their motorboats!"
Dear Prospective Employer:
I am a starving student on the 1993 production line at Harvard Law Factory. A recent examination of my aspirations has convinced me that I must eat in the years to come. The exorbitant sums paid by most legal factories to summer associates fit in well with the modest goals I have set for myself. Feel assured that I understand the responsibilities incumbent upon a summer associate at your firm. I am not at all squeamish about milking our powerful corporate clients of their every last cent by providing legal services of the calibre necessary to defeat well-founded claims by victims caught in the corporate vice. I have learned much at Hahvahd. I can promise that such human foibles as pity will never interfere with my willingness to stretch the innocent on the rack of legal trickery for the good of the client and its share-holders.
Although my parents lost their fortune in the 1987 stock market crash, we have managed to retain our insultingly extravagant La Jolla mansion by means of lies and trickery. I have gained a deep admiration for conspicuous consumption and hope to become an expert in the practice. If I may quote the Bible, "You cannot serve both God and Mammon." (Matt. 6:24). So why bother serving God?
I would be delighted to discuss further my background in a personal interview. I am satisfied by my ability to demonstrate the amorality needed to be a successful attorney, and the hunger needed to be a successful and profitable hour biller with your factory. I appreciate the time spent reading this form letter and my "you've seen it all before" resume. I look forward to receiving a form letter with good news from you soon!
Desperately, but cocksurely,
Jack Meoff, Jr. enclosure JACK MEOFF, JR.
School Residence Family Residence 666 Brattle St., #14 99 Oversight Dr. Cambridge, MA 02138 La Jolla, CA 92123 (617) 123-4567 (714) 321-9999
HARVARD LAW FACTORY. Juris Doctor will be awarded May, 1993. Grade Point Average: 3. 93/4. 00 *Christopher Columbus Langell Scholar *Staff Member (redundant, huh?) Harvard Review *Founder, CRAP in '92 (Committee to Re-elect America's President)
DARTMOUTH COLLEGE. Bachelor of Science, summa cum laude, awarded 1990. Grade Point Average: 3.97/4. 00 Class Rank: 3/1245 Major: Economic Assumptions Minor: Business Antics *Senior Thesis: "The Rich: How to Keep them that Way" *Editor-in-chief, "The Dartmouth Review" *President, Future Fascists of America
WICHITA MUNICIPAL JAIL Conspirator, Operation Rescue, 1991 *Deprived numerous U. S. Citizens of their civil rights *Endured three nights of detention for flouting U. S. District Judge Patrick Kelly's injunction encouraging infanticide
SILVERADO SAVINGS AND LOAN Personal Assistant, Office of Mr. Neil Bush, 1990 *Rubber-stamped numberless unsecured loans to family friends *Hid under rock with "sensitive" files when federal inspectors visited
EXXON CORPORATION Intern, Legal Department, 1989 *Collaborated in escape from liability for Exxon Valdez spill *Advised that Capt. Hazelwood be publicly pilloried as drunk culprit
UNITED STATES SENATE Intern, Office of the Honorable Jesse Helms, 1988 *Authored bill to mandate a return to the values of the Middle Ages *Rigged spring-guns to "delay" Anti-life protesters at door *Bullshit official positions to constituents
*Money *Wealth *Riches *Treasure Trove
Available for a modest fee
Malborn sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said. "Give me the bad news first." "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars." "That's the bad news?" asked Malborn incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news." "The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor, and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelop containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later, the man died. At the wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others. By this time, the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelop contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.
A great line by Danny de Vito in "Other People's Money":
Of course I've got lawyers. They are like nuclear weapons: I've got em coz everyone else has. But as soon as you use them they fuck everything up.
"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent.
"And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.
Banging his gavel sharply, His Honor interrupted: "All right, now that both attorneys have been identified, let's get on with this case."
Old lawyers never die. They just establish law firms.
As the highway patrolman approached the accident site, he found that the entire driver's side of the BMW had been ripped away, taking with it the driver's arm. The injured Yuppie lawyer, obviously in shock, kept moaning, "My car, my car," as the officer tried to comfort him. "Sir," the patrolman said gently, "I think we should be more concerned about your arm than your car." The driver looked down to where his arm should have been, then screamed, "My Rolex! My Rolex!!!"
A lawyer is settling accounts with his client. "Let's do it this way," he says, "pay me $5000 now and then $400 a month." "Gee," the client says, "I feel like I'm paying for a car." Lawyer replies, "You are! And a nice car it is too."
Harry Bender: Imagine the appeals, dissents and remandments, if lawyers had written 'The Ten Commandments'
Lawyer: Did you say the plaintiff was shot in the woods?
Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Subpoena: From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male organ or penis.
English Translation: "below the penis" or "by the balls."
Lawyer: a cat who settles disputes between mice.
The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, alright!" The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!" The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?" The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt. It is impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however. They both get out. One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes. It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away. "Aren't you also going to have a drink?" the doctor says. "After the police get here." replies the lawyer.
The October 8, 1990 issue of Fortune has picked up on a small story which appeared in the Los Angeles Times. As best as I remember, there was a lawyer who got caught three times in an alleged speed trap. He sued the city under RICO (Racketeering Influence and Corruption) statutes. Part of the allegation is that the city set the speed limit without reviewing the traffic patterns every 5 years. A judge ruled that the city could be sued under RICO. I doubt that this is what they had in mind when Congress passed the RICO statutes.
When judgement day came, God decided to be lenient and take up to heaven everyone except the really awful people. The result was a planet full of lawyers.