Lawyer Humor 1
This list of lawyer jokes cannot be sent due to a court order given at the request of some lawyers. That order has been appealed by some other lawyers. Pending the appeal (and possible further appeals up to the Supreme Court), the list will be unavailable to the general public.
If you are unhappy with this situation, see your lawyer, who will be happy to handle it for you for a suitable fee.
Lawyers are people who can write a 10,000-word document and call it a brief.
The problem with lawyer jokes is that most lawyers don't think they are funny, and they also think that most people don't understand that they're just jokes!
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked, "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies, "Four!"
The accountant says, "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store.
So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?" "$3.00 an ounce."
"How much for Scientist brain?" "$4.00 an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?" "$100.00 an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?" "Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whore-house." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day, she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
Alan King told this one on an Ed Sullivan retrospective:
The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." The lawyer frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft."
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
A lawyer died and appeared before the pearly gates. When he arrived, a chorus of angels began to sing in his honour and St. Peter himself came out to shake his hand. "Mr Morris," said St. Peter, "it is a great honour to have you here at last. You are the first being to break Methuselah's record for longevity. You have lived 1028 years." "What are you talking about?" said Morris. "I'm 56." "56? But aren't you John Smith?" "Yes." "A lawyer?" "Yes." "From Brooklyn?" "Yes." "Let me check the records," said St Peter. He slapped his hand against his forehead. "Now I see the mistake, we added up your billing hours!"
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..) "Hot Dang," the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!" They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff all his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out, "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?" Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies, "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first non-damned lawyer to make it up here!!"
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins: 1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty. 2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high. 3) Overcharging fees to many clients. 4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case. And the list goes on for quite awhile. The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in his book and says, "Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."
At the funeral of a lady was her doctor, a friend and her lawyer. Each had promised her that at her funeral they would toss $1000 into her grave. The doctor and friend each tossed in their $1000 cash, after which the lawyer removed the cash and placed a check for $3000.
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money, there has been only one answer to that question."
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day, Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?" "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
Definition of a lawyer: a man who helps you get what's coming to him.
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?" someone asked. "Not too bad," said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
More information on Diogenes: Diogenes may well have been looking for an honest man in his wanderings, but the reason he was wandering in the first place is that he had been ostracized for counterfeiting.
Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter's night. He entered the local general store to get some warmth and saw the town's lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town's business. Not one offered to allow Dow into the circle. Dow told the men who he was and that he had recently had a vision where he had been given a tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno. When one of the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, "Very much what I see here: all of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place."
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says, "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are." Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground." So Harry yells down to the man, "Hey, could you tell us where we are?" And the man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air." George turns to Harry and says, "That man must be a lawyer." And Harry says, "How can you tell?" George says, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless." That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: They end up in the brink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
Lawyers are the only profession where the more there are, the more are needed! - Robert Lucky, IEEE Spectrum