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Notes from a Man's Diary
For my birthday this year, my wife purchased a week of private lessons at the local health club for me.Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school varsity chess club, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Tawny, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My wife seemed pleased with my initial enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Tawny waiting for me. (She is something of a goddess with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile.)
Tawny showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her aerobic outfit. (I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my own workout today. Very inspiring.)
Tawny was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching before I began from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a great week.TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Tawny made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air...then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Tawny's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel great!
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can use a toothbrush is by laying it on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the club lot. Tawny was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. (Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning, and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is nearly intolerable.)
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Tawny put me on the stair monster. (Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?)
Tawny told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other things, too, but I was too busy trying to block the annoying screech of her voice to listen.THURSDAY: Tawny was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. (I couldn't help being a half hour late. It took that long for me to tie my shoes.)
Tawny took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine... which I sank.FRIDAY: I hate Tawny more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. (Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader wannabe). If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would hit her with it.
Tawny wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me barbells or anything that weighs more than a tissue. You alone will be responsible for the damage. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi.)
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and P.E. teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?SATURDAY: Tawny left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun... like a root canal or a hemorrhoidectomy.