Here's Your Sign (Bill Engvall)
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."
1) It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
2) A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine. We pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope -Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
3) I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
4) Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and asked, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist so I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
5) We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Dang that's hot!" See! If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him before we took that drive!
6) Then there was the guy with the 18-wheeler... Wouldn't ya know he misjudged the height of the overpass... The truck got stuck and he couldn't get it out no matter how he tried. He radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning.. ok.. no problem. The guy thought, "He can't say it, he's a paid official..." He thought sure he was clear of needing a sign... until the cop asked "So.. is your truck stuck?" The guy couldn't help himself! He looked at the cop, looked back at the rig and then back at the cop and said "No I was delivering this overpass and my truck stalled... here's your sign."
7) One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a coat hangar halfway thru the top of my window, a guy walks up and says," Lock yer keys in the car?" Without missin a beat I said, "Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry."...Here's your sign.