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THE LETTER
To My Dear Wife,During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often :
- 54 times the sheets were clean
- 17 times it was too late
- 49 times you were too tired
- 20 times it was too hot
- 15 times you pretended to be asleep
- 22 times you had a headache
- 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
- 16 times you said you were too sore
- 12 times it was the wrong time of the month
- 19 times you had to get up early
- 9 times you said weren't in the mood
- 7 times you were sunburned
- 6 times you were watching the late show
- 5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
- 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
- 9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
THE REPLY
To My Dear Husband,I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
- 5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
- 36 times you did not come home at all
- 21 times you didn't cum
- 33 times you came too soon
- 19 times you went soft before you got in
- 38 times you worked too late
- 10 times you got cramps in your toes
- 29 times you had to get up early to play golf
- 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
- 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
- 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
- 2 times you had a splinter in your finger
- 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
- 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
- 98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.